hey nate!
(see? i DO read your website!) i've also found that with good friends, picking up right where you left off is almost effortless even after a long absence. so i expect good conversations outta you in july (on a BOAT)!!

Hi Nate,

I think the reason that Sheryl "side-stepped the circumstances" is because that's exactly what you did. She was following your lead.

In sending her a gift off the registry (a truly magnanimous act indeed!), you were restricted to a short note. In that very kind note, you tacitly acknowledged the circumstances - you're sorry you failed to correspond, and you understand her lack of flexibility on the invitation list. Then you wrapped it up with a peace offering, as it were.

Since you did all of this acknowledgement in an incredibly tactful, quiet way, there is no reason for her to rehash it all. Also, if she did, her note would have read as though she were responding to a "backhanded guilt trip"; how could she have nicely said "Sorry I didn't invite you, but you're still not invited" without it coming across that way?

I would read her note as a true note of gratitude - for the gift, for your understanding, for your being forthcoming without being confrontational, and for letting her proceed with her wedding without the nagging feeling that she's irreconcilably hurt your feelings in the process.

I haven't corresponded with her since I last spoke with you, so this note is really from me, not from Sheryl through me. However, in one of the emails she sent me as we discussed the status of your invitation, she did say "I truly regret the circumstances." I believe her.

I, too, want to thank you for sending her that gift. Having done so will make the next reunion - and there will be more reunions - where you and she both attend much less awkward for all of us.

I could say more about the correspondence issue, but it's your blog, not mine, so I'll stop here.

Good luck with the end of the quarter,
Ilana

Ilana,

This is a really lovely response. Thanks--your perspective has helped make things seem better, and it's true that a more acknowledging thank-you letter probably would have come across awkwardly.

I believe her too.

I think the power of words, even something that simply says "Hello...I'm alive...I'm thinking about you..." is much more important that the syntax. We should all take more time to simply phone, email or write a letter that says just that. It's a good feeling to know you're not forgotten by peopleto whom you were once so close.